Last night was just one of those nights. One of those nights that I hate cf the most. A night that tears me down till I'm to tired to do anything more. It's the only kind of nights that i feel as if the cf wins.
I was laying in bed trying to sleep when I noticed I was wheezing a bit and there was some crackling in my lungs so I got up to do my inhaler but it didn't really help. I knew exactly what was coming and I was dreading it. I hadn't had a bad night since before my picc line I didn't want it to start again now. But sure enough I started coughing a little at first but more and more wanted to come out. I got up to get treatment stuff and some cough medicine and hoped that tonight was just a little one and an extra breathing treatment and cough meds would nip it in the butt but man was I wrong. Before I made it down the hall to do a treatment I had to stop in the bathroom to throw up gunk. Then by time I got to the next bathroom it was time again. I did my treatment and before I could even get the machine off I had to run to the bathroom to throw up once again. I was in there for a while. Those are the nights I feel helpless. It's hot, I can't catch my breath and my body is begging me to go lay down cause it's tired. Finally my coughing subsided and I grabbed a towl and went to lay down. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was asleep. This morning I woke up drained and still a cracking in my chest but after my hypersal and tobi I was feeling a little bit better. After nights like that, where I spent a hour in the bathroom, I like to rest and try to regain some energy. My best friend sherise, cousin elaina and I decided to go sit in a friends pool down the street. It was very relaxing and felt great to be out but by time I got home I was exhausted! I could barely keep my eyes open driving sherise home and back. The rest of night will be sleeping and extra treatments, and I pray that I will have a good nights rest tonight unlike last night.
I am not one to normally complain about my cf but it has just been frustrating me the last few weeks. I get tired of the same old routine 4 treatments every day. My first two and last one last an hour. All my pills. Not being able to spin the night at a friends house without bringing two bags: one with clothes and one full of meds. Worrying about making appointments, insurance, lung transplants in the future and other things a normal 19 year old wouldn't even think about. I have been reading this church book my mom got me a few years back but I had never picked up until now. It has been really inspiring and has really brought up my spirits and is helping me get out of this funk I am in. A few chapters in I decided to go get a highlighter and mark the quotes that made me smile so I can always find them easy. One that I really loved reads, "Have a good attitude about things, speak positively of others, and serve the best you can. Change your negative thoughts to thoughts of faith. God will fight your battles for you, but you must be willing to show him that you trust him." There is always help there for you. "Prepare for a long life, and fill yourself with faith, not fear." In this book the author explains what fear is. He says that fear "hisses words of discouragement like give up now and there is no hope. As it tightens it hold people begin to lose faith." So you must be positive in all things and have faith even when times are rough. The author tells a story kind of like the "walking in sand with Christ" story but instead it is riding a tandem bike with Christ and at first you are in the front controlling the way but you are frightened and slow down in hard ares but then when Christ takes the lead it becomes a little bit easier. The very end says "And when I'm sure I just can't do any more, He just smiles and says, "Pedal.""
There is so much in this book that I could just keep going but I will spare you. So even though I am having a hard time and I am a little down I know I am not alone. I have my family who loves me, friends, all the other cfers out there that know how I feel, and Christ. I just need a positive attitude, faith, and trust and I can do anything :D