Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's been a little crazy for awhile with midterms, projects, trips home and now trying to get over my first cold of the season. With the holidays and finals just around the corner it shows no sign of stopping but I wanted to sit down and update the blog world because it's been far to long! A week or so ago I was able to fly home for a few days for my cousin Trinity's wedding. It was so beautiful and so great to be able to be there with all my family. We also had my Aunt Aimee's family and Ashtyn's family over for breakfast one of the days I was in town so I could meet Ashtyn's new little guy. It was a great weekend home, and I cannot wait to go home this week for Thanksgiving and even more family fun!

Sisters of the groom! My cousins and best friends!

Dancing with my Daddy

Lately I have been thinking a lot about life and what it is I want to accomplish in my life. Sure I'm in college pursuing a degree to be a special education teacher which is great. I love my classes and my school. I can't wait to get into the classrooms with the children, but there is so much more to life then going to college and making a living. I've come to realize the two most important and amazing things, to me, are and 2. the creation of life. Let me elaborate a bit on this.

1. There is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. There are so many people in my life that I truly love and care for but I can't wait for that day that I find the right boy for me and I fall head over heels in love with him. Love isn't something that happens over night, love isn't easy, but love is worth it. Anybody can be in a relationship, anybody can say those three words but to really truly mean it takes work, it takes time. Opening yourself up so completely to someone can be scary but in the end it can be worth it. Yes, I have loved somebody... Was I IN love I don't know. I thought I was but somebody that loved you as much as they said would never hurt them as badly as I was hurt. I used that as a lesson learned for the future. God has a plan for me and has made someone special with me in mind. So I will live my life until the day comes that I realize who that is. I want that fairytale wedding, with a beautiful dress, and to dance with my daddy to a song that I want my cousin Scott to sing, have my car decorated saying "Just married" by cousins and friends... a girl dreams of this day for years. I want to find that person that makes me smile, and gives me butterfly's every time we touch. Someone caring and kind and hard working. I can't help but imagine my own wedding when I get to go to friends and family members weddings, which I have been doing a lot of lately.

2. The creation of life... babies. They are such a little miracles, it's amazing. I have only ever been able to experience, thus far, family members and friends babies but I so look forward to the day that I am able to get married and have a child of my own. Raise a family. Do my daughters hair and play games with my little boy. Take them out to ice cream and soccer games. Watch there daddy teach them how to ride a bike. Teach them to tie their shoes, cook in the kitchen, read a book. Take them to their first day of school, their graduations, then one day help them move out and go to college and cry even though I know I raised them right and know they can do it. I can only imagine how amazing it is going to be. I remember when my cousin Amber was pregnant and we would lay there in the living room and watch little Braiden move all over. It was a little bundle of joy growing inside her.

What scares me the most is the possibility of none of this happening here on this earth. I have Cystic Fibrosis. That right there underlines, highlights, and circles number 2, having a baby. I would have to be in great health and have several doctors to watch my care. Then once I have the child I will have to try my hardest to take care of this new born along with keeping up with sleep and my own health. I know plenty of CF mommies that do this but it's going to be hard. As of right now I don't even know if I can get pregnant. That normally isn't a problem for CF girls, but I've had ever complication in the book so for me who knows. If I can't have a child of my own I want to adopt a little baby. I want the privilege and honor to raise, adore, and love a child that I can call my own. I want a family one day. It also scares me to get married. I have to find such a special person that is willing to be their for me when things get rough and not run out on me when things get scary, because I know at times they will get scary. Every now and then I get this feeling of guilt that creeps up that tells me it's not fair to let someone fall in love with me when I will be leaving this earth before they do. I will be leaving them all alone and our children without a mommy, unless a cure or miracle drug is to be found. That filling of guilt sits in the back of my head and every now and then it shows it's ugly face. These are my two biggest goals in life, but at times they seem impossible. This new vertex drug that is coming out within in the next few years is the most exciting thing to me. In 2011 Vertex hopes to be submitting good news to the FDA to get approved but that drug will not be for my gene mutation but if that works out the one that is for mine, Delta F508, is just one step behind and I believe it will make it. It's not a cure but it's such a giant leap towards one! I know God has a plan for me and I will have to live my life to the fullest to find out what that plan is. Don't get me wrong... I love my life. I have amazing friends and a great family! I am having a blast in college and learning a lot, but I just hope and pray one day my life involves these two wonderful things.