Last weekend I had a friend from California in town that I hadn't seen for 2 years. Lucky for us he had a free hour Saturday afternoon for us to do some catching up and talking. We were talking about my reactivation in church, and how he just doesn't understand, he isn't a huge fan of religion in general. We were also talking about him ending things with a friend (long story). Anyways it got us talking about the today vs the future. He was telling me he lives for each moment, he doesn't like to think about the future he just enjoys and makes the most out of every day. He finds his happiness there, satisfying his cravings and just loving life in general. Now at first I thought about this in a "church" frame of mind, but as I thought about our conversation later that day it got me thinking about his statement in a "CF" frame of mind.
As a person with CF I cherish every single day I've been blessed with. Especially the days that I am well and healthy, because in all honesty, I don't know how long I have till I get sick again, or how long I have till my baseline drops or when transplant will be on the horizon for me. See, even just then it was my future I was thinking about! I can't seem to stay in the today. I do all that I want and love and I am so grateful for everyday I have, but with the uncertain future that comes with a chronic illness your future is something that is always on your mind. I plan for a healthy future of course! A future with a husband and kids. A future as a college graduate and a special education teacher. A future full of happiness, love and peace. I plan future vacations, right now we're planning a trip to California with friends for the summer! Within the church aspect I live my life according to God's commandments to plan for my salvation. I make great and wondrous plans! However, on the other hand I must prepare for curves life throws me and detours to those plans, because CF is so incredibly unpredictable I never know what lies a head of me, not even day to day honestly. So I might plan to live to be 80, but I know that there is possibility my time to return to my creator might come earlier then that. I've thought long and hard about that, but then that brings in my planning for salvation for my life with God and my long past ancestors. I prepare myself for the idea of being dependent on oxygen, I can easily be a teacher at an online school when the demands of being a teacher at a physical school may become to much for my disease ridden lungs. I know one day I may be faced with getting a lung transplant. I've done my research I know how I feel, and I know someday in my future I must face it! I have to prepare for the thought that maybe if I have a family one day I might not be able to see my own kids grow up and get married. Those are all just possibilities, those are some things that may or may not happen in the future. Things that run across my mind time to time.
Some may say that's morbid or negative thinking, but anyone who knows me will tell you I am a very positive person. Nobody's life is certain. Anything can happen, but as a person with a chronic illness you are faced with those possibilities very early in life. I've already outlived the life expectancy my parents were given when I was diagnosed! My future is bright. I will never stop working hard to reach my dreams, and I will never stop cherishing everyday I'm blessed with. I will battle through the hard times, and I will smile and laugh everyday. So while I do live for today, I must take care of my body and be ready for whatever my future throws at me. There is an infinite possibilities waiting out there for me, and I can't wait to find out what they are!