Friday, February 11, 2011

Goals > Fears

Last week I was at a friends apartment and they decided they don't know Sherise and I well enough and they asked a round of questions. Two of the questions were what are your goals: long term short term or both and what are you afraid of. I've had very stereo typical answer ,you know, I am terrified of spiders and we joked that we just want to get through this week of school but it really made me think of what I really do want out of my life and what it is that scares, maybe even more then spiders... probably not they scare the crap out of me!

So my goals. I will start off with one that I can accomplish here pretty soon... getting admitted into the college of education. The application is alot of work and as of right now my GPA is .05 below what it needs to be but I am so excited! Next fall I should be able to apply and really start my schooling towards my dream career. Next would have to be graduating college and passing all my tests to get my teaching license! I already know that that will be one of my proudest moments of my life. I'll finally be able to get up every morning and go to a rewarding job that I know I will love. I will also finally be able to take care of myself. My parents won't have to stress about money, as much, and I'll have my own insurance. It will be alot of learning when it comes to medical bills and insurance but good thing my Mom is an amazing teacher when it comes to that kind of thing! I just hate seeing my parents stress about money... weather its making sure us kids are happy and have everything we want or making sure we are healthy and have things we need. Sure teachers don't get paid alot but it is definitely more then enough to take care of one person, me! Another goal is to live a long, happy, healthy and fulfilled life. When I said that goal to my friends that night they asked well how long 80, 90 what is long? I was at a loss for words so Sherise jumped in and said well she has CF so making it to 40 is long and then Lorin said I'm not worried she's gonna live to be 80! I said heck yes! Sure today the average life span for CFers is 37 but when I was born it was years and year below that. It just keeps going up, and new medications leep being made! Maybe there will be a cure and I won't have anything to worry about. Who knows? Along with the happy and fulfilled life... I want to fall in love, get married and have a family. Having kids of my own might not happen but there are tons of kids that are up for adoption that need a loving mommy and daddy. Yeah, I have alot of goals, but I know I can reach them. Is it going to be easy? Heck no! It's going to be really hard at times, and some days I might feel discouraged and think it will never happen but everyone has days like that... you just have to get out of bed and put your big girl pants on and take your challenges head on. The harder you work for something the more it means to you once you accomplish it. Why have something handed to you... you won't appreciate it like you would if you put your own sweat and tears into it!

Okay now fears, so of course my biggest fears are not accomplishing these things, it's working my very hardest and CF getting in my way and making it not happen. I always say CF won't ever stop me from doing things I want to do and that it is one of the things that drives me to accomplish these things but I can't always control this disease. Sure I can do all my treatments, see my doctors and do as they say, I can even work harder at getting my butt to the gym, but that won't always stop a mean little bug from nestling into my lungs. It could happen in the middle of the semester making school that much harder, maybe even near impossible for long enough that I can't pass a class or two. It could be a big bad bug that lands me in the hospital, it could be one that leaves scares on my lung pulling my base line numbers lower. You just never know. That is the most discouraging part of CF... working as hard as you can and it not being enough sometimes. I am, typically, a very positive person. I don't look for pity or special treatment. I know I can over come things thrown at me with hard work but sometimes I need a moment to be scared, to feel discouraged. Sometimes a good long cry is what I need to clear my head. No matter what I pick myself back up and keep pushing forward. Sometimes it requires me to rearrange things, some goals might have to be put on the back burner, but giving up and giving in is NOT in my vocabulary. So yes, I am terrified of spiders and tiny places, but I am even more scared that CF will win. Not only do I fear that for my sake but for those around me cheering me on and wanting me to succeed.

I don't want people to worry about me from this post. I am doing great. I might be a little sick right now but nothing I can't kick in the butt. I've learned that every speed bump in the road makes me a better person, and every moment of weakness leads to strength. That's just life and most importantly it's my life. I will work my very hardest to be the me I want to be, and a me I am proud of.

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